“To have failed is to have striven, to have striven is to have grown.”
― Maltbie Davenport Babcock
Strong. Brave. Successful. Optimist. Powerful. I never considered myself as these. I experienced waking up in 3 am, breaking down, crying myself to sleep because of the things people around me would never understand. I experienced hiding in the bathroom, crying to myself so that no one will hear my wail. I experienced the ache of suppressing my tears in order to act normal in front of the people who hurt me. I experienced it all and I know, you do too.
When I was a child I used to wish me death because i can’t handle the pain in my head and heart. I used to pity myself because of the things I used to experience. I had insecurity issues, jealousy problems, depressions and anxiety. I plotted my suicide a million times but not even once I tried it. I had so many downfalls. I had so many breakdowns. I had so many heartbreak but I had so many breakthroughs.
I know to myself when I was growing up that I would be a strong independent woman that would need nothing to survive but I was wrong. I am not an outspoken person when it comes to my problems. Often, I keep it to myself because I don’t want to bother others about my personal crisis. I thought I was right but no, I’m not. I needed love. I needed hope, assurance, protection, guidance. I needed my family and friends. I needed Christ.
This is a perspective from a girl who tried to kill herself a million times in her head, someone who cursed her father for being such an irresponsible father, someone who cut herself to sleep and wished herself to bleed till she dies. I thought I could do it alone- that I wouldn’t need anybody to make me happy and to make me feel secured. I thought just myself would be enough to fight the monsters under my bed. I thought my heart would survive alone. But, I was wrong.
The moments I cannot carry myself, I cried for help. I was lost and I was found. I needed my mother that did nothing but to love me. I realized that she was there all throughout my journey of solitude waiting for me to comeback. I searched for my father that I know would do everything for me regardless of my sins. I yelped for God because I knew that he is the one that could ease the pain my heart. I knew that he’s the only one I needed most to make me feel whole again. I was so wrong, so wrong of the belief that I’m strong because I know I am not. I was weak, fragile. I was nothing but a dust in the land but I was strong because he found me. He found me in his arms and hugged me as if I was flawless. He accepted me as if I didn’t do anything wrong. He loved me as if I never ran away from him.
How to Overcome? I’ve been asking myself that question for years. I’ve been running and running for the same circle all this time. I still stumble every now and then. I still fail and crash on my feet but if there’s one thing I want to say to you, it is to find solitude on the stronger. Rest on your head on the bigger edge. Let it be known that you are weak but in Christ you are David.
To overcome is to learn, my friend. Be the alpha that you should be but never forget the God that made you stronger.
Most days I find it hard to look in the mirror
At times, I convince myself that nobody would miss me if I were gone.
My scars tell stories that I wish I could keep to myself.
I cry for no reason,
And have trouble figuring out the way I’m supposed to function,
When my head is such a scary place.
But, I get out of the bed this morning.
And that’s the start.