Drive of Pain

Narratives, Prose, Writings

“Have Courage and Be Kind.”

It was year 2014 when my world  collapsed  in front of my eyes. 

It was when I died.

I am a happy go lucky person and a carefree sense type of a girl. I don’t care so much on the things around me. I don’t care about what others think about me. I don’t overthink the things I know I shouldn’t but only in a flick of a finger, it all changed.

Summer was approaching back then and I was thinking if I will join any summer camps or anything in order to fill in my summer boredom. Since, I really like dancing “that” time and I enjoy it so much, I considered it. I went to a summer workshop that summertime. I had friends. I had a team which I hung out with very well but we all know life. We know that life would let us down when we thought everything will be better.

For the days that passed by, I endured the pain in my back. I endured every ache whenever I move and try to dance. I endured the suffering of not being able to walk properly without even holding any of my friends’ arm. I endured it because I thought I would conquer it, overcome it; but in reality I know, it’s slowly killing me.

Two weeks before the final performance and recital, an ache more superb than any of the pain I experienced happened. It ran through my spine sending a message to my head that I cannot continue dancing anymore. I raised my shirt not above my chest to see what’s happening in my body, hoping that I would see the problem so I can address it immediately; and I wasn’t wrong.

I saw a figure foreign to me. I saw something I would never wanted to see. I saw my body, my spine curled up like a snake heading back to its nest. I cried. It was not the cry that everyone would hear, not the type of cry that will make your friend ask you “What’s wrong?” But it was enough. It was a cry, enough to break my pieces into another smaller pieces. It was enough to crash whatever is left in me. I was diagnosed with Scoliosis.

It may be simple as it may be but it was everything for me. I had a broken system, a broken body. For once in my life, I built plans and goals and dreams but just in a flicker on my eyes- It disappeared. My body is my foundation and without it I can’t do anything right. I can’t even walk right, can’t sleep tight, can’t stand up strong, can’t dance. I’m a little girl with big dreams but in that time I realised I will not be able to achieve my big dreams anymore.

Truly, life throws you some curveballs. This things can be either your drive and strength or it can also your downfall, your weakness. It can either ignite the fire within you or kill you.

Unfortunately, I chose the second one.

-Paula Reynoso

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